Take me HOME
Crazed(Sanity)
Too Many Me
Tuesday, April 17, 2012 07:26 PM

So I've come to understand myself more recently.  When conversing with a good friend of mine I realized something about myself that I hadn't really caught onto before.  I've been diagnosed with a mood disorder, simple explanation, I'm bi-polar, at least that's what the medication I was prescribed was for.  Honestly they didn't give me an exact diagnosis because they couldn't really decide which one I fit into. 

Well I've diagnosed myself. The initials are MPD, but it's not multiple personality disorder, my in multiple psyche disorder, there are just too many me.  I don't change my name, though I may have a different nickname depending on the mood that I am in.  I don't have voices of other personalities in my head, though I will have conversations with multiple sides of myself and my personality type will often change to those I am around.  Yes, I know many peoples personalitys will differ when they are around new or certain people, but mine can very drastically. Which is why they originally thought I was bi-polar.

One of my favorite actors is Mathew Lillard, you may or may not know him but he was quite popular in the 90's. The reason he's one of my favorite actors is because so many of his roles have been to me personal portrayals of my different mind sets.  He was a leet hacker in Hackers, psycho killer in Scream, body pierced hockey player in Sensless, a psychic in 13 Ghosts, and the most awesome Stevo in SLC Punk.  

There was a time when I was doing nothing but learning about computers, my goal was to hack the CIA before I was 18 and then get a job with them. Then there was a time when I did nothing but surround myself with the local music scene, got some piercings and a tattoo.  In highschool I was a social chameleon.  I wasn't part of any one click but I intermingled with all of them.  I had a wardobe that would allow me to pass off as any of them. 

I love and hate social media, it allows me to stay connected to my friends and make them aware of everything I think they should know that I'm doing. But is also opens up too much personal information.  Some days I want to rule the interwebs and be a media icon, other days I want to fall off the grid and live in a cabin in the woods. 

I switch between my psyche's, not as fast as someone with ADHD, but about every 3 weeks, my mind will be ready to be somewhere else.  I'll be ready to be a different person.  Or I might hit a trigger that causes a sudden switch.  Like reading Fight Club and deciding to give away all of my possesions because "I'm not my fucking khakis!" Or I will hear an awesome song and decide I need to do nothing but play guitar for a month straight.  Then I'll hit a dark period where I will write stories or poetry for another month.  I realize my spans last about 3 to 4 weeks.  That's why I think I did so well in January on my fitness, then in February I started playing Gears 3 with my friends and did that for a month straight.  March was all about work, I worked long shifts and concentrated on getting work projects done. April, I'm kind of in limbo know that I've realized what I do. 

I don't want to quit moving towards anything, but I love diving head first into new projects. I love to learn new things, but what I really need to learn is how to accept a little at a time instead of diving head first into so much.  The second a new "shiny" comes along I'll drop what I was doing to persue that. 

So my true goal over all is to find the combinations of me's I like the best, put that together and develop it. Love, life, health, wealth, and everything in between.